Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature

CEO: That’s a great idea

ME: Call it ClinkedIn

CEO: Get out!

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

grotesque if literal: baby food