Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

That’s fair

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

no one ever comes back

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

mom had nothing to worry about

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

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Never go to sleep after making me angry

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.