[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
You Might Also Like
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
“What?”
– Jude
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry