[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
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The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
SCARY COSTUME
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.