Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
You Might Also Like
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
for all #parents out there
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
me hooking up with my ex
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.