Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
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Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.
“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
zone out
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*