Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
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Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
584.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!