Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.