Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
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me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Leading causes of cancer:
2: Are chickens real?
Me: No one knows.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.