@continentlbkfst

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

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@_rubdirtonit

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

@AliceAvizandum

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

@DepecheALAmode

I bet Matt McConaughey isnt aware he’s in movies. His agent drops him off & hes like “Ha-Allright..this is my life now? Cool camera broski!”

@JasonLastname

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

@AsianOtherWhite

My dog has figured out I’m Chinese. He totally tried to make a run for it.
Silly dog, I’m not going to eat you until I train a replacement.

@StellaRtwot

I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say “You’re tired I should go.”

@Kristen_Arnett

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

@SethMacFarlane

Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.

@MondayPajamas

Sometimes you run into people who totally change your life for the better.

Bartenders..

Those people are called bartenders