[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
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You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
All excellent questions
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Happy thanksgiving
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Ha.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective