i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
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“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space