[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
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Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”