Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time

HER: you mean ‘ravages’?

ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name