Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

Plant care tips

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

can’t talk my ride’s here

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

The legends speak of a third Duran…

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works