[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
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if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus