Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

Harsh but fair

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer