Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
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“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Seems legit
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Peace was never an option
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
