-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
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just got my engagement photos
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.