Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Finally, an instrument I can play!
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated