Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

No one:

London landlords:

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.