Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
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Butt weight. There’s more!
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
⚠️ Important Reminder:
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?