Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
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i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)