Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
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I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.![]()
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
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If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS