constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
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Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
#NoRestForTheWicked
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no