Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”

He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers

ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.