[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
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“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Was it something I said?
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally