Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

What the hell happened in there??

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

Priest: You may now kiss the bride.

Me: Do I have to?

And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”