Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
You Might Also Like
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL