Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
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911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat