Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
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Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
🖤✌🏽
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.