Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

⛄️

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]