Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes