Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

How did we not see this back then?

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

we’re dead?

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.