Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

Venn