Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

For cardio I live beyond my means.

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

I cannot stop laughing at this

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.