Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
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(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Couple goals
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose