Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

[Waffle House interview]

Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”

Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”

Manager:“When can you start?”

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

Welcome

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?