“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
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Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
New favorite tiktok
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.