“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
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Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
my proudest tweet
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it