Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
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For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Accurate
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.