Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought