Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
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I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.