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From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.