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*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
first you must answer his riddles
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
wow
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev