[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
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You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt