“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
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why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?