*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
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universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
this will hang in the louvre one day
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Lmfao
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*