*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
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I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
the best thing i’ve ever made
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
This hospital has everything
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.