Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

Guys which shade of gery should I get

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

This meeting could have been a cake

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

Battery falling down a hole

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”