Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.