Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
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How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
These are my emotional support Pringles.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps