Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

lumberjacks will cut a birch

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

idk what he going thru but i feel him