Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
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I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”