Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators