Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
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One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.