*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
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kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Me checking my bank balance online.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out