*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
you will never know the true number of layers
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*