*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
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Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I don’t make the rules sorry
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.