*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
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The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal