contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
You Might Also Like
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*