Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.

Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

Something Saturday.

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

I’m not sorry.

if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

Money is the root of all wealth

Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand…send.

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

…

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please