Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true