CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
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Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
(True)
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Doctors texting each other.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?