Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.

🤣

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.