Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again