Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.