contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
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I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.