Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

Good dog. ❤️

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

Me when someone tries to get to know me

Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books

Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”