Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

what day is it?

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

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I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.