contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
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I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
