contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
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When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]