Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!

Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.